An example of how not to get along

I think the degree to which we feel free to criticise (which actually means control) others is an absolutely critical element of being able to share housing with others.

I watched myself recently, over a period of less than a day, be completely silenced by someone who sniped at me. She "picked on" words that I used in a sentence, and ignored the meaning of what I was saying. After the first few incidences of me being required to defend or change my wording (not my ideas - I love to have ideas challenged), I had a choice. Do I think there is a possible future friendship with this person, in which case I will try to discuss it with her, even though I am conflict averse and I do not know her well enough to know if she will react aggressively? I decided a future friendship was unlikely and so I decided to shut up and cop it until I could escape.

When I worked through all the instances where I felt on the defensive - each, in and of themselves, were utterly trivial, but together they added up to harassment. They ranged from criticism of who I am as a person (do you ever laugh?), to criticism of the way I express myself (I often talk in hyperbole to illustrate a point - eg I used the word girls instead of women because I thought the women we were talking about are too young for the job they are doing), to criticism of what I do ("shut the gate so the dogs can't get out" when the dogs had already been taken out by another person for a walk and i was loading my car via that gate).

Unfortunately, this kind of "moral high ground" behaviour has become the cultural norm - at least in Australia. It seems that everyone (when what I really mean is almost everyone but then i do talk in hyperbole) wants to view themselves on the moral high ground, and so feels quite at liberty to tell everyone who does not share their particular dung heap (that's hyperbole again) that they are just wrong - about everything in which they are not a mirror image of the person atop the dung heap.

Interestingly, they would not dare do it at work with other professional work mates, so they DO know, if they have worked in recent years, that it is not OK to do it. This is why I think it is important, when picking house mates, to know just how involved they are in other organisations and how they are managing those relationships. And it becomes very apparent very quickly if someone routinely puts you on the defensive - you only have to do something together to find this out.

If they will not drop their sense of superiority and their resulting right to let you know just how inadequate you are, at every available opportunity (there's that hyperbole again), there is no possible future in the relationship - and how likely is it that they will suddenly see their own shit as clearly as they see yours?

So yes, respect is utterly critical to any possible shared living situation.  This article was triggered by an on-line interaction as follows.

Person 1, in describing her conditions for sharing a house with other women asked for:
"
People who 'obey' others' boundaries."

Person 2, in response said, very nicely:
"
Perhaps the word 'obey' should be replaced with 'respect'? It achieves the same purpose, but without a hierarchical tone."

I think person 1 was using hyperbole to illustrate how important her point is (she even put quotes around the word to make it clear), and person 2 took it literally. That's a great illustration of two different communication styles failing to meet in the middle.

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