I think the degree to which we
feel free to criticise (which actually means control) others is an
absolutely critical element of being able to share housing with others.
I
watched myself recently, over a period of less than a day, be
completely silenced by someone who sniped at me. She "picked on" words
that I used in a sentence, and ignored the meaning of what I was saying.
After the first few incidences of me being required to defend or
change my wording (not my ideas - I love to have ideas challenged), I
had a choice. Do I think there is a possible future friendship with
this person, in which case I will try to discuss it with her, even
though I am conflict averse and I do not know her well enough to know if
she will react aggressively? I decided a future friendship was unlikely
and so I decided to shut up and cop it until I could escape.
When
I worked through all the instances where I felt on the defensive -
each, in and of themselves, were utterly trivial, but together they
added up to harassment. They ranged from criticism of who I am as a
person (do you ever laugh?), to criticism of the way I express myself (I
often talk in hyperbole to illustrate a point - eg I used the word
girls instead of women because I thought the women we were talking about
are too young for the job they are doing), to criticism of what I do
("shut the gate so the dogs can't get out" when the dogs had already
been taken out by another person for a walk and i was loading my car via
that gate).
Unfortunately, this kind of "moral high
ground" behaviour has become the cultural norm - at least in Australia.
It seems that everyone (when what I really mean is almost everyone but
then i do talk in hyperbole) wants to view themselves on the moral high
ground, and so feels quite at liberty to tell everyone who does not
share their particular dung heap (that's hyperbole again) that they are
just wrong - about everything in which they are not a mirror image of
the person atop the dung heap.
Interestingly, they
would not dare do it at work with other professional work mates, so they
DO know, if they have worked in recent years, that it is not OK to do
it. This is why I think it is important, when picking house mates, to
know just how involved they are in other organisations and how they are
managing those relationships. And it becomes very apparent very quickly
if someone routinely puts you on the defensive - you only have to do
something together to find this out.
If they will
not drop their sense of superiority and their resulting right to let you
know just how inadequate you are, at every available opportunity
(there's that hyperbole again), there is no possible future in the
relationship - and how likely is it that they will suddenly see their
own shit as clearly as they see yours?
So yes, respect is utterly critical to any possible shared living situation. This article was triggered by an on-line interaction as follows.
Person 1, in describing her conditions for sharing a house with other women asked for:
"People who 'obey' others' boundaries."
Person 2, in response said, very nicely:
"Perhaps the word 'obey' should be replaced with 'respect'? It achieves the same purpose, but without a hierarchical tone."
I
think person 1 was using hyperbole to illustrate how important her point
is (she even put quotes around the word to make it clear), and person 2 took it literally. That's a great illustration of two different
communication styles failing to meet in the middle.
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